Time answers all questions
Exposes all truth
With no way to cheat
Time is deaf to your pleas
All truth and longed for answers
Held and hidden
All things will be settled
All questions will be answered
All truth will be known
Flashes of truth and passion make me falter. Falter as I fold washing and make beds. Falter as I prepare meals and earn money. Can the two unite? Is it possible to live in this world, serving family and place, while also departing into the space where none of it matters?
Can I be true to this inkling of separation, this hint of otherness that makes no demands. It waits while I wash and scrub and wring. It sits as I run to and fro. And when we do meet, I am startled by perfection. Joy that is felt bone deep. Sureness that comes from nothing it is meant to. And the truth I see leaves me softened, hopeful, hungry.
This space is my one percent. Yet it fulfils more than the other ninety nine. I imagine others with this same leaning, those that choose to follow hard and true. Those that can not relate to life lived in place. A place with rules and expectations. The brave that shirk them all and choose to live the one percent full time.
I am not that brave. But I am also not satisfied with a fraction of the tantalising, breathtaking, whole. I have found my portion, I have named it and claimed it as mine. And so, brave or not, I will daily remind myself to listen and stop and give it space and time to grow.
There is a winding path lined with splendid trees, no two the same. A path strewn with leaves of all colours and crackles, and the occasional tree root that yawns up through the damp earth. One has to be mindful, not only does it twist and turn, it is also surrounded by a forest full of wild creatures that can be heard but not always seen. It is easy to get distracted, easy to stumble, or let fear begin to creep into tired feet.
The air is full of strange noises that sound much closer than they actually are. This path is one of adventure, mystery and danger.
But what if we could float high above it all, to glimpse the beautiful mysterious truth? That this whole journey, from beginning to end, sits quite safely in the palm of God. Exquisitely ordered, full of mystery and enchantment. There is nothing to fear.
We would see that life does indeed start with a Big Bang, and our purpose thereafter, is to regather all the pieces. Some are stumbled upon, a few are gifted, others secured at great cost. Each bend in the road, each stretch of smooth terrain, each mountain, each stumble, each glorious view and shadowy hollow, all to be examined for the piece they are harbouring.
What will I find today, in this treasure hunt for all my scattered pieces? Pieces scattered in the beginning, by the cosmic explosion of birth.
Every piece of the puzzle, all that we will ever be needed, is out there, and our mission is to gather them again. To be whole.
As children we collect without hesitation, we search and delight in each new piece, each new truth that fits so well, we hold on tight and start becoming. Becoming whole. Becoming who we are meant to be. As adults we begin to falter, too busy trying to stay upright, trying to avoid the reality of howling wolves and stubbed toes. More concerned with navigating well, avoiding pain and hiding from fear, as if all the pieces have been found. As if we have enough and no more are needed.
So we might never find the piece that proves nothing can hurt us forever, and no pain is eternal. Or, we might miss the truth that even sadness can be beautiful. That healing can be found for every wound, and the greatest fear is still insignificant when reminded of the greatest love.
This path, of many bends, has moments at each turn, placed just so, and if we only stop and look, our perception might be altered. These moments are not hidden, they wait to be discovered. Another piece to find its home. Another fragment of the whole. A piece you need. A piece of you.
Moments that arrest our attention and alter our perception, maybe for a minute, or maybe for an ever. Mysterious invitations, truth and grace and the long way round to peace.
Is it one line of a song, or the way the beat drops? Perhaps a painting or conversation, a meeting of minds or eyes?
Notice the atoms gather, the missing pieces coming home again.
Wrapped tight, edges sealed, ribbon double knotted
Impatience has me shake and squeeze, pick and scratch
I want it now
When it’s ready
Nor the next day
When I’m ready
I am of the now generation
The I refuse to wait generation
The frustrated generation
I must know
Just like God
And He says:
Why won’t you let the promise unfold in perfect timing?
Why do you desire to know now, what is meant to unfold like a gift?
Why do you rob yourself of the unfolding
The ritual of opening
The sweet pleasure of waiting
Is it true?
Have we forgotten the pleasure of waiting
The delicious hunger
Why do we insist on knowing all the minutiae of that which does not concern us? Boundaries blurred
Can I learn to wait again
Needs to unfold like a flower
Cut early, impatience denies its true beauty
And fragrance unbidden
And full generous bloom
The final scattering of petals
A promise forced
A gift opened early, will never satisfy the way it was meant to
Had you waited
Had you trusted
Quiet sits off centre
Waiting to rise above to-do lists with no end
Waiting to be heard
In a busy world we must notice
To sink below persistent clamour
To reach the quiet place
Where even silence has a sound
In the quiet I am free
Free to filter wayward thoughts
Free to capture timid dreams
And hopes unheard
In solitude invited
Layers of silence wrap tight
Sinking deep the silent haze
Quiet, I will find you
You and all your friends
I need reminding.
The glow of inspiration fades and I am left empty.
I need reminding.
The hunger for more and the path towards it grows dim and blurry. I am lost and need reminding.
The flash of light that illuminates truth, flickers and dies in the monotony of daily life. I am left asking, fumbling for nothing in particular. That clean new truth with sharp glowing edges, now unrecognisable.
I need reminding.
To wake each day with light, lest I lose my way. And I will. And I have. Lost the truth that rests in my pocket. Lost in familiar lands. Hungry with food overflowing.
I need reminding.
Of why I breathe and wake each day, to walk the self same way. And so each day or hour, depending on the weather in my head, I will remind myself. I will set obstacles in my way, to trip and block my path.
I need reminding.
Often and loud.
Loud enough to silence the echo of questions asked.
I need reminding because truth and power are hard to hold on to. So is passion, and the glimpse of me that makes sense.
And, I need reminding.
So my whole heart might join in. So that I might be revived
TODAY, I will take my time.
Today, I will stretch in bed and not leap out of it, or insist on making it before breakfast.
Today, I will not make any to-do lists
Today, I will not think too much about what I am going to do NEXT
Today, I will ignore the anxiety that creeps in when I sit for too long in one place.
Today, I will be intentional about finding a place in the sun to sit quietly and drink my tea.
Today, I will put myself under no pressure to perform, produce or achieve.
Today, I will walk slowly and pretend I am a dancer as I sway my hips.
Today, has no time limits or RULES that govern time.
Today, is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it
We’ve known each other for so long we call each other friends. But really, most of the time, you annoy me. When you call I don’t answer, preferring to call back when it suits me. We do catch up occasionally, but meeting with you doesn’t get me excited. It’s more of a duty, that’s why it’s a pretend friendship. We don’t share a friendship, we share history, and there’s a big difference.
We used to hang out a long time ago but we don’t anymore. We bump into each other on the street once in a while, ‘we must catch up’, you say. I agree, but even as I do so, I know we won’t. That’s what well mannered civilised people do – pretend to want to have coffee, or dinner, all the while knowing it will never happen, and I will never see you again, (until the next time we meet unexpectedly and offer to do another pretend get-together).
Because I like the idea of loyalty, I often pretend to be. But I am not a loyal person by nature. Besides which, loyalty must be earned and tested. Therefore most loyalty is just pretend.
Pretend to tell you the Truth
You’ve asked me a question and stated you want to hear the truth. We are friends (real friends not the pretend kind) and there is an expectation of truth telling. But I don’t tell you the truth. I tell you what I think you want to hear. Or, I tell you what I think you need to hear. I swear it’s the truth, but it’s not really, it’s pretend.
Pretending to want the Truth
I’ve asked what you think. But I don’t really want to know, unless it falls in line with what I want to hear. So even though I’ve asked for your opinion – I’m only pretending to want the truth. I’d prefer you are kind. I’d prefer you are supportive. I’m happy for you to be a friend who pretends.
You are my boss, my parent, my Pastor, and I am in technically submission to you. I agree that it’s ok to defer to your wishes, outwardly at least. But on the inside, I don’t really respect you at all. There are too many gaps in your morals and conduct for true submission. I can only defer to people I respect, and that takes time. So to everyone else, I just pretend.
Trust is important and everyone expects it to some degree. We all say we trust things that we don’t. We all pretend. Just saying, ‘I trust you’, is usually a lie, it’s usually pretend. Because if you’ve been asked that question, and if you had to answer it – then most likely there is no true trust, but pretending keeps the peace.
Pretending to Myself
I tell myself lots of things I know I won’t follow through on. Usually late at night is when I pretend the most. For instance, I’ll set my alarm and get up at 6 to go for a run. Or, I won’t go back to that unhealthy habit, person or place. I pretend because part of me is hopeful it just might stick. I pretend because it makes me feel good. I pretend because it’s easier than actually doing it.
This kind of joy needs to be recognised and grabbed hold of as soon as it appears. It is easy to ignore and might only last a split second, but if it can be captured, it has the very real possibility of turning into a Joy Surge (or in some instances Permanent Joy).
This kind of joy has to be welcomed and encouraged. It is often associated with the hope one holds in something they are too scared to have faith in lest it not eventuate. Timid Joy will hide behind overly realist thinking until it either grows into Cultivated Joy or disappears altogether.
Similar to Fleeting Joy in that it can be easy to miss. Joy vapours are like gifts, offerings of Joy that float on the wind without rhyme or reason. They are free for the taking, if one cares to notice them. Those tuned in to the presence of Joy Vapors are likely to be optimists and people referred to as ‘blessed’ or ‘lucky’.
This kind of joy is experienced in groups or crowds of like-minded people enjoying a singular experience. It can also be enjoyed by simple and intentional acts, like watching a baby laugh and playing with animals – often associate with innocence.
The kind of Joy that we know isn’t real, but still allow to set pulse racing and adrenalin flowing. Brought on artificially by alcohol, drugs or sensory stimulation. Sought in activities that often rob peace of mind when the effect of Pretend Joy has worn off.
Also know as Unexpected Joy. This kind of joy arrives when you least expect it. Usually in the midst of a difficult time when Joy seems quite unlikely (or even impossible). Uninvited Joy is usually associated with a spiritual experience or other inexplicable phenomenon.
Also known as Intentional Joy. This kind of Joy can be created by acknowledging the good things in your life. Rolling those things over and over until Joy starts to brew. Just the smallest drop is often all that is needed to change the course of the day, to lift a blue mood or settle a grumbling heart.
This kind of joy lasts forever and is usually the result of certain hope, and can be conjured at any time. All one has to do is recall its seed and Joy enters in. Associated with the certainty of fulfilled expectation.
Unexpected rush of joy for no apparent reason but usually the result of a sudden realization that harmony and peace are reigning in your life. In that particular moment you are one with all that is good in the universe and have an acute awareness of synchronicity.
Joy that walks had in hand with sadness. It cannot be enjoyed without a measure of pain. Usually associated with the death of a much loved person or pet. This kind of Joy is proof of unconditional love, shared history and loyalty.